How to Make Breakfast Like a Pro

(vaguely inspired by My Drunk Kitchen)

Step 1: Enter the kitchen at 2:30pm, because you’ve spent the past four hours in your room and only realized fifteen minutes ago that you had low blood sugar.

Step 2: While staring into the fridge and getting distracted by so many options, decide to keep a running commentary in your head so that you can stay focused in spite of food brain.

Step 1: Pretend the first two steps weren’t actually steps and pull out a banana. Leave it on the kitchen table.

Step 2: Decide that you want to cook something. A burger, because there is naan bread and it’s cool to use naan bread as a bun and because you’re having breakfast at 2:30. You can eat whatever the heck you want.

Step 3: Open freezer, waffle between beef and salmon for a few seconds before pulling out the last beef burger.

Step 4: Remember that your brother will wake up at any minute and will want a burger if he wants one. And he likes beef.

Step 5: Put back the beef burger and stare at it mournfully.

Step 7: Lose track of numbers due to mournfulness and pull out the bag of salmon burgers.

Step 6: Attempt to open bag.

Step 9: Fail.

Step 11: Decide not to open the bag until after the pan has heated up.

Step 20: Realize that you’re thirsty.

Step 21: Pull out a stool to aid you (because you’re short) as you grab a very large cup from the top shelf.

Step 22: Fill it with water.

Step 7: Leave it on the table with the banana without drinking any of it.

Step 8: Wonder how you got back to step 7.

Step 28: Compensate for how many steps you think you missed.

Step 29: Find your favourite pan, see that it has been used already.

Step 7: Wonder who used it and for what, because you really want to use that pan. Do this for an entire minute.

Step whatever: Give up on numbers entirely and look for another pan.

Stare at your favourite pan again, baffled by the fact that someone already used it.

Reluctantly pull out another pan, put it on the stove.

Realize that it’s weird to be doing a running commentary on your breakfast. Decide it would be a perfect blog post.

Turn element on, put oil on pan.

Succeed at opening the bag of salmon burgers, put one on the pan, put bag back into freezer. Turn on the timer because you’ve got burgers down to a science.

Step 1: Feel better about steps and your ability to keep track of them.

Step 2: Decide you want a cheeseburger. After contemplating types of cheeses, pick one and cut a few slices.

Step 3: Look wistfully at the cheese, stomach growling, and decide that one of the slices belongs in your stomach. Cut another to replace it.

Step 4: Look at the kitchen table and decide that the banana also belongs in your stomach.

Step 5: Remember that you’re thirsty and take your first gulp from your water.

Step 6: Get bored, start writing the blog post.

Step 7: Congratulate yourself for keeping track of numbers, then flip the burger because the timer’s been beeping.

Step 6: Freak out about the possibility of getting splattered by oil and check your shirt for stains. Find none. Go back to writing blog post.

Step 7: As the timer beeps again, remember that you’re supposed to have your bun ready before your burger. Frantically pull out a plate and reach for the naan bread.

Step 7: Notice the tortilla. Remember how wonderful it was the last time you had a burger with a tortilla for a bun. Think about how much naan bread there would be compared to how much burger, and the fact that salmon burgers don’t have as strong a flavour as beef burgers. Imagine what it would be to taste either version, to see which one you would get the most enjoyment from. Do this for 30 seconds.

Step 7: Freak out about the fact that the burger is still cooking on the stove, grab the tortilla, put it on the plate, and frantically put the burger on the tortilla.

Step 7: Put the plate onto the kitchen table with the nearly-full cup of water. Decide you don’t want to know how many times you’ve done step 7 and will conveniently ignore them all.

Step 8: Turn off element, get pan off of stove, realize that you put the burger on the tortilla before you put on the condiments.

Step 9: Bring out ketchup and mustard, pick up burger, awkwardly get the condiments onto the tortilla.

Step 10: Use the burger to spread your condiments because you’re already holding it and can avoid dirtying a knife this way. Place cheese onto burger and wrap the tortilla.

Step 11: Put the condiments back into the fridge, wash your hands.

Step 12: Sit down, drink some water, eat burger.

Step 7: Enjoy that damn burger.

Optional step: (do right after you’ve finished eating, for best effect) When your brother finally enters the kitchen, tell him that you saved the very last beef burger especially for him.

Discover that he didn’t even want it in the first place.

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