Invented Stories
Pain rips through your abdomen, but you press through it to strike the Dark Lord’s heart, reminding yourself as he finally disintegrates that, next quest, you have really got to remember tampons.
The wind howls, the sky black with clouds; a light interrupts and the ship veers to avoid the rocks.
An alien smacked its mandibles together, commenting that humans were the most delicious things in the galaxy, to which its friend nodded sadly, replying: “Too bad they were parasites.”
The sweet tinkling of a music box drew a still and quiet crowd, each of whom, only moments after arriving to listen, learned why the courtyard contained so many statues.
A man vanished into thin air in full view of his neighbours today; his wife didn’t seem particularly distraught.
I would love to get away with murder, but the fact is that I spent too much time trying to decide whether to put the body into the garbage or recycling.
True Stories
A soccer ball to the head only hurts if you aren’t paying attention.
You grow up real fast when you watch a man you trusted in the process of emotional manipulation right after a church meeting.
I knew it happened to people, but it wasn’t until she told me about that date – what she said, what he did instead – and then asked me what I’d call what he did that it became real to me.
I read, “If you do this, you’re a piece of shit”, and wonder what happened to moral relativism.
It took me only fifteen minutes to walk there, and forty-five navigationally confused minutes to get back, but my mom wasn’t worried: “That’s what I thought had happened.”
“Dad, the soup’s boiling over again,” I said calmly; he bolted from his office.
When I pointed out the number that indicated I’d ended up in third place, everyone looked confused but couldn’t argue the evidence, and that’s when I got my only medal ever in track and field.
“Don’t put me against her; it’ll be too easy,” he complained as we squared off for a wrestling match that ended only seconds later with him pinned to the floor.
I thought English grammar was a pain until I learned German and discovered the joys of V2 word order and separable-prefix verbs.
It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I realized why my parents had laughed at that particular part of the movie.
You can’t help but feel disloyal when you marvel over the firelike beauty of autumn colours you wouldn’t have been there to see if it weren’t for his funeral.
Flossing teeth with hands fresh from chopping chili peppers never ends well – something my mother didn’t understand until years later.
It is possible to overthink stairs.
